But when I go out to eat, I try to do it without the kids.

It is not that I don’t enjoy my time with them.   Playing board games, going up to the pool, reading, even having family dinner is enjoyable with the kids.  But eating out can be another matter.

I remember a time when the kids were around 3 and 5.  We stopped by a restaurant to have dinner.  It was along the lines of Ruby Tuesday’s or T.G.I. Fridays, but the restaurant is closed down now and the name escapes me.

It was one of the worst “eating out” experiences I have had.  The kids were hungry when we got there so there was whining and complaining about the wait.  Then once we sat down, it was all about keeping them amused until there was something to eat.  Then they ate really quickly and were ready to go while my husband and I were just getting into our meals.  They became fidgety and started disappearing under the table.  I spent the rest of my time trying to get them to sit still and wolf down my meal.  Then, at the end, the restaurant charged us $45 for this lovely experience.

That was when it dawned on me that it wasn’t worth it.  I was not getting the relaxation, enjoyment, or time to talk that eating out is all about for me.  Eating out with the kids was just not the treat that it should be.

Now that they are older, our restaurant experiences are better.  But even now, there is impatience about when the food is going to arrive and then when we are going to be ready to leave.  For them it is still more about the act of eating than the experience of dining.

That is why I am so grateful they are old enough to “babysit” themselves while my husband and I go out to dinner occasionally.  We can linger over our dinner, talk about our aspirations or the state of the world, and leisurely go home.

I think the kids are happy about the arrangement, too.  They get control of the TV and tend to have things they really like for dinner when we go out.  It is a win-win.

There have been a few evenings when my son has suggested that my husband and I go out to dinner.  How can I say no to that?

Each of us has a baby self and a mature self, but as we grow-up, the mature self is supposed to take over more of our decisions and behavior.

But I still think it is important to honor the baby self.

The baby self wants to play.  It wants attention, relaxation, and indulgence.  The baby self is part of us and must be satisfied to achieve balance.

I am reminded of Glenn Close’s character in the movie Fatal Attraction as she says, “I will NOT be IGNORED!”

The baby self on so many levels!

I think if we ignore the baby self it starts to come out in different ways.  We build up stress; we unconsciously overindulge; we become depressed.

But it is up to the mature self to make sure the baby self is nurtured and taken care of but not overindulged.

I remember one Mother’s Day I wanted to lie on the couch and watch chick flicks.  My baby self lined up three or four of them.  After church, I came home, lied down on the couch with a box of tissues, and announced that everyone was on their own for the rest of the day.  About seven hours later I emerged from the family room and felt awful.  Overindulgence.  I had a headache, my body felt a little achy, and I was not in a very good mood.

I also experience this baby self overindulgence if I decide to “treat” myself with a junky, fast food meal.  It is one thing to get an order of fries; it is another to get a hamburger, fries, soda, and a dessert.  About an hour after I get this “treat,” I feel awful.  I feel grouchy and sluggish.  But I sure did seem to want it an hour a go.

Our mature selves have to control the portions.

How can we nurture and take care of our baby selves?

• Play with your kids and let your baby self out, too.
• Play and create. – write, draw, play board games, whatever sounds fun to your baby self.
• Make time to get together with friends.
• Make time to be alone.
• Go on a date with your spouse or significant other.
• Relax. Lie on a lawn chair in the back yard, read a great novel, take a bubble bath, rent a movie, do something that would relax you
• Get a great box of chocolate or some other food that you love, but let the mature self do the portion control!

Whatever you choose, do it consciously to nurture the baby self.

While not the Holy Grail of parenting books, it gave me some interesting new concepts to think about and another tool in my parenting toolbox.

Dr. Wolf’s premise is that each of us has a baby self and a mature self.  The baby self wants what it wants when it wants it, which is NOW.  It wants all of the parents’ attention…NOW.  It wants to eat…NOW.  It wants to play…NOW.

If the baby self doesn’t get what it wants, it whines, cries, throws a fit, and is a general nuisance. 

The baby self is what makes the kids interrupt you while on the phone.  The baby self is what causes the melt down when you are changing from one activity to another.  The baby self is what causes the whining when you ask for help.

And the baby self lives at home.

The baby self of the child feels safe to express itself with those who love the child the most…the parents. 

The baby self is not all bad.  There is that side of the baby self that wants to snuggle with us and play with us and is full of laughter and joy.   We can usually handle that side of the baby self pretty well.

So what do we do when confronted with the negative parts of the baby self?

Dr. Wolf recommends disengaging.  Say what you need to say in a few short sentences.  If the baby self starts to crank up, let the baby self whine, cry, and throw a fit without getting emotionally involved.  Go about your regular activities or retreat to another room.

If there is something you want the child to do, tell him what he is to do and wait.  Dr. Wolf says that children eventually will comply because they get uncomfortable with having your presence but not your emotional involvement.  The baby self wants your interaction and involvement however it can get it.  The baby self doesn’t like it when you are not involved.

I have only started implementing this method over the last few days.  I spent quite a bit of time listening to a screaming baby self on that first day…hours.  But since I disengaged and didn’t get emotionally involved in my child’s upset, I was fine.  Everything moved along…eventually.  The next few days were much smoother.  I know I haven’t seen the last of the baby self, but I feel relieved that I don’t have to take it on emotionally.

Here is the silver lining:

Have you noticed that your children act differently when they are away from you?  You may get comments about how well behaved they are from teachers, grandparents, or their friend’s parents.

This is because away from home, they exhibit their mature selves.

The mature self is what we show the world, the responsible, helpful, thoughtful self.

Dr. Wolf says that it is the mature self that is a more accurate indicator of who the child will be as an adult.  As my husband said, “Thank God!”

While the ideas of the baby self and the mature self gave me some insight into my children’s behavior, it also gave me some insight into my own.   I’ll share that with you next week.

I have to admit that this is an area where I feel I have been too lax.

When my children were little, I brushed their teeth twice a day.  I combed their hair, put their pajamas on them at night, and made sure they were wearing clean clothes every day.  My husband usually took care of bath time, but I know they were clean.

Over time, I passed on more and more of the grooming responsibilities over to them.  They started brushing their own teeth, dressing themselves, and taking showers.  But as they took over their own daily hygiene, I noticed that it all happened with less and less frequency and certainly with less quality.

First one child, then the other started sleeping in their day clothes.  Because we homeschool, there was no real deadline for getting out the door with the hair brushed, teeth brushed, and clothes changed.  So sometimes it happened, and sometimes it didn’t.

I have gone back and forth with opinions about whether it is a big deal or not.  Does it matter that they slept in their clothes last night and are wearing them again today?  We really didn’t go anywhere or do anything yesterday, so they technically aren’t very dirty.  Since they haven’t started having body odor yet, how often do they really need to shower?

But I know the overall objectives are the same as when they were little.  It is still up to me to teach them good grooming techniques and try to instill them as habits.  My role has just changed from worker to supervisor.

It is my job to maintain order, and making sure everyone is ready for the day with clean clothes, clean teeth, and brushed hair is part of that order.

It was easier to be the worker and do it myself!

Manners are society’s guidelines for polite, courteous interaction.  The purpose of manners is to make the other person feel acknowledged, cared for, and respected.

Isn’t that how we want our children to feel?

And what better way to learn manners than to seen them exhibited by your parents! 

Then as children start to practice manners, getting encouragement from their parents and guidance as needed, they will become second nature.

This week we learned how to properly make introductions and the importance of greeting those around you.

As we take the initiative to greet our children, the bank teller, the teacher, or our own friends and family, our children will see how it is done and also see the warm responses we get back. 

We want to encourage our children to give warm greetings to those they know, but in a very subtle way.  Acknowledge their efforts by making observations.

You went and said, “Good morning” to Mrs. Jones all by yourself this morning.

I saw Mr. Smith with a big smile on his face after you said hello to him.  

People are much more likely to do something if they feel it is their idea.  Some people are “people pleasers” and others rebel at the idea of doing something because your “have to” or are “supposed to.”  But everyone loves doing things that they came up with.

By strictly making observations, children can then draw their own conclusions.  When they draw their own conclusions, they make their own judgments and decide for themselves whether to continue the behavior or not.  

Just by our inflection and tone, our children can tell whether or not we approve, but by leaving out the judgment (e.g. “What a good girl you are,” “That was a nice thing to do,” or “Good job!”), they can fill in the judgment with their own voice.  In the long run, it is much more meaningful to for a child to decide that he or she is a wonderful person than to have someone else tell them they are.

You have a natural rapport with your child because you are in the same family.  But do you have any other common interests? 

Having a natural rapport on a couple of different levels helps build strong relationships.

Do you both like to knit, play basketball, camp, or cook?  Enjoying activities together can give you time to talk about all sorts of things and really get to know each other.

But, make sure that both of you are interested in the activity.  Some children are people-pleasers and will agree to activities just to make you happy or just to be with you.

Feel free to explore many types of activities, though.  Sometimes you just don’t know if you like it until you try it. 

You could also build rapport based on the things you don’t like to do! Just making an effort to do things with your child will help your relationship.

Here are a few things you can try:

• Family game night
• Take a class together
• Make a special dinner that neither of you has made before, homemade pizza or Chinese food
• Include them in what you are doing 

Just have fun with them.

We also discussed attitude this week.  Help your child build his or her feeling words vocabulary.  We will discuss feelings in later lessons, but instead of just sticking with being mad, sad, or happy, begin helping your child expand the feeling vocabulary.  Examples of feeling words can be found at www.FiveMinuteLifeLessons.com.

• Do you like this one?
• Did you have a good time?
• Is your homework done?

All of these are closed-ended questions that require a yes or no response.  Closed-ended questions can also be questions that require a one or two word answer.

• What time do I need to pick you up?
• What do you want for breakfast?
• Where is your coat?

And our kids give us closed-ended questions back.

• What’s for dinner?
• Can I go over to Jenny’s?
• Do you like my picture?

Closed-ended questions are fine.  Sometimes we just need information.  But check to see if almost all of your questions are closed-ended questions.

Closed-ended questions do not build relationship.  If you go to a party and just asked and answered closed-ended questions, you would be ready to go home pretty quickly.

Open-ended questions are needed to build relationship.

Open-ended questions require more than one or two words to answer.  They require an explanation.

• How do you feel about that?
• What happened at the party?
• Why did you choose those colors?
• Tell me more. (I know it’s not really a question, but it is a great sentence.)

Many times, “Why?” does not count as an open-ended question.

Parents use “Why?” as in “Why did you do that?” to trap kids in, for the most part, an unanswerable question to turn up the heat.  Kids don’t generally know why they do many of the things they do.  Did you know why you did the things you did when you were a kid?  Me neither.  But I could generally agree afterward that it wasn’t a great idea.

Kids use “Why?” as a delay tactic or as a way of really saying “I don’t want to do that!”

Avoid “Why…?” if there is any tension or anger in the situation.  It will just provoke a defensive response.  The same holds for “What were you thinking?”

But open-ended questions when everyone is calm and relaxed are a great way to get to know each other and build a strong relationship.

And when you ask open-ended questions of your children, they will learn to ask open-ended questions, too.

If you have kids at home then you know that someone is indeed watching you…all the time!

We are most aware of this when they are around 3 or 4, and they repeat what we say at the most inopportune time.

It is like when Ralphie, the young boy in “A Christmas Story,” is helping his dad change a tire.  The lug nuts go flying out of his hand and an obscenity comes flying out of his mouth.  Ralphie had heard his dad use that word many, many times before, but his parents assumed he wasn’t listening.

But they are always listening…and watching.

They say that the apple doesn’t fall very far from the tree.  Some of that may be due to genetics, but much of that is due to modeling.  Children watch what the parents do and assume that is the way it is done.

This week in www.FiveMinuteLifeLessons.com we talked about greeting someone for the first time.

The first thing we talked about being aware of is your attitude.

What attitude do you model with your children?  Is it the attitude that you want others to use with you?  Is it the attitude you want your kids to use with your grandkids?

Remember…we are also teaching our children how to parent.

If you do find yourself in a bad mood, what do you do about it?  Anything?  We have some things you can do at www.FiveMinuteLifeLessons.com.  And as your kids see you taking responsibility for your mood, they will learn how to take responsibility for theirs.

As far as the greeting part of the lesson this week, as you model a proper greeting toward people you meet, your children will see how it is done.  That doesn’t guarantee that they will do it properly every time…or any time.  But you will know you did your part. The rest is up to them.

Treat others the way you want to be treated.

I think that is a pretty good “sum up.”

But when it comes to kids, especially our own, we can run into sticky territory. 

I would like to say that I always treat my children the way that I would like to be treated, but then I would be struck down by a bolt of lightning.

I have great aspirations, but I run into “Mommy mode” where things just need to get done…right now.  I want the hair brushed, the teeth brushed, the showers taken, the shoes on, the homework done… right now, with no questions asked.

I was thinking about it this morning.  If someone came into my house and started ordering me around, I would start to get a bit snippy and probably down-right mad.  Just like my kids seem to be when I order them around…hmmm. 

But I don’t always get treated the way that I would like, either.

I read all sorts of parenting books when my kids were small.  I read books about using “the rod,” books about only using positive reinforcement, and everything in between. 

Here was my litmus test, the question I wanted answered when I picked up one of these parenting books…

What do I do when my child is screaming “NOOOO!!!” at the top of her lungs after I let her know it was time to get her shoes on so we can go to Mommy’s appointment?

“The rod” book had an answer, but it didn’t seem to follow the Golden Rule. 

I tried getting down on their level and talking with them, but I am now savvy enough to realize that you cannot reason with a 3 or 17 year old.  And they don’t give a flip about my need to be somewhere anyway.

I am still looking for my answer.  Maybe during this People Skills Unit at www.FiveMinuteLifeLessons.com it will come to me, because I am learning even as I am putting the unit together.

But I do know that even if they don’t treat me the way I want to be treated, I need to be the model (and the grown-up).  Bummer!

What skills and knowledge will the kids need in the real world?

My husband and I have been going back and forth on this for a while. We both agree that having exposure to a wide range of math, science, history, and literature is a good thing. One never knows where one will find his or her passion.

But we also agree that unless something is useful or interesting, it will not be remembered.

My husband loves history. While he and I each had many history courses growing up, he retained much more knowledge than I did because he found it interesting. Truth be told, I probably did better on the tests, though.

But back to our question…

What skills and knowledge will the kids need in the real world?

From our traditional schooling, we agreed on basic math – addition, subtraction, multiplication and division. Possibly fractions, percentages, and some basic geometry would be helpful, too.

Reading and writing well are essential.  Basic knowledge of history and science also give you a foundation of common language references.

But here are the topics and some of the associated subtopics we came up with that are not taught in schools…

People Skills

·         Establishing rapport

·         Relationship skills

·         Conflict resolution

·         Etiquette

·         Public Speaking

Money Skills

·         Budgeting

·         Credit

·         Taxes

·         Investing

Time Management Skills

Space Management/Organization Skills

Decision Making Skills

Home Skills

·         Basic home maintenance and repair

·         Cooking

·         Cleaning

·         Lawn care

Car Skills

·         Knowing how to drive in all conditions

·         Basic maintenance

·         Dealing with an emergency – changing a flat tire and using jumper cables

Health Skills

·         Nutrition

·         First Aid

·         Dealing with illness

 Self-care skills

·         Stress management

·         Hygiene

·         Finding your passion

·         Knowing and living what you believe

Safety Skills

·         Emergency preparedness

·         Basic self-defense

·         Personal boundaries

·         Personal protection on the internet

Living On Your Own

·         Getting your first apartment

·         Paying taxes

·         Reading a paycheck

·         Insurance

·         Roommates

I am sure we will come up with more as we go along. But for now, we’ll start with these.

We decided to start with people skills. I have been gathering information on people skills from many different sources to pull together a People Skills course for my children. You can follow our lessons at www.fiveminutelifelessons.com.

Many times my children have asked why they need to know this or that, especially my son. Sometimes I have an answer, many times I do not.

But I really started thinking about what they need to know for the “real world.” What skills do I use every day?  My husband goes off to work every day as an engineer. What skills does he use?

The more I thought about it, the more I began to realize that my son had a point. Most of what is taught in our system of education is never used.

We like to watch the TV show “Are You Smarter Than a 5^th Grader,” where contestants answer 1^st, 2^nd, 3^rd, 4^th, and 5^th grade questions with the help of a small class of 5^th graders. The questions run the gamut from math to grammar to cultural studies. The prize for answering all 11 questions correctly is $1 million.

Over the 2 years that the show has been on, only one contestant has answered all 11 questions correctly and won the million dollars. How can that be? Didn’t we all go through elementary school at some point?

First, I am not sure what curriculum they are using in elementary schools these days, but most of the questions were not from things taught in my elementary school…high school, maybe.

But more importantly, the reason that most people do not know the answers to these questions is because they don’t need to know them. They are facts and trivia that have nothing to do with the “real world.” If it was relevant then people would remember it. 

Now, I am not saying all education is useless. I would probably not be writing this at all if it were not for my education, for which I am very grateful. It is great to learn how to effectively read and write or learn how to use percentages to calculate interest paid on a car loan or look at history with the intent of not repeating it. But most education doesn’t take it that far. Most of the time, it stops at the facts and trivia stage. But that is a whole other topic.

Back to the original question…

What do my children really need to know for life on their own? What skills will they need to use every day?

Think about it.

I’ll let you know what I came up with tomorrow.

Some give up, but others keep trying.

Have you ever been in a conversation where the other person just keeps talking? They may be saying the same thing over and over again or flit around from one subject to another. But they just keep talking. You may be thinking “I got it the first time,” “Enough already,” “How do I get out of this?,” or any of a number of similar loving sentiments.

I found myself in this situation last week. It was an “I got it the first time” inner dialogue.

Then I did something different. I decided to be fully present and engaged in the conversation. I shifted, focusing only on the other person. Then the talking stopped. She was done. She had connected and was satisfied. That was probably what she was looking for in the first place, but I was not giving it to her. I was involved with me and my internal dialogue.

Independent of her political views, I heard something about Hillary Clinton that really impressed me. She may have been first lady or running for the senate at the time. The commentator, who had met her, said that when she talks to you, it is like you are the only person in the room. Her attention and focus is solely on the person she is speaking to. What an awesome way to be with people!

Consciously or unconsciously others know when you are really listening or not.

When you are really listening, you are giving the other person acknowledgment and allowing him/her to be heard.

What a gift!