Nicole Elyce – Parenting Thoughts

A friend of mine recently recommended The Secret of Parenting by Anthony E. Wolf, Ph.D.  She was searching for parenting techniques that don’t use punishment, and this book was recommended to her.

While not the Holy Grail of parenting books, it gave me some interesting new concepts to think about and another tool in my parenting toolbox.

Dr. Wolf’s premise is that each of us has a baby self and a mature self.  The baby self wants what it wants when it wants it, which is NOW.  It wants all of the parents’ attention…NOW.  It wants to eat…NOW.  It wants to play…NOW.

If the baby self doesn’t get what it wants, it whines, cries, throws a fit, and is a general nuisance. 

The baby self is what makes the kids interrupt you while on the phone.  The baby self is what causes the melt down when you are changing from one activity to another.  The baby self is what causes the whining when you ask for help.

And the baby self lives at home.

The baby self of the child feels safe to express itself with those who love the child the most…the parents. 

The baby self is not all bad.  There is that side of the baby self that wants to snuggle with us and play with us and is full of laughter and joy.   We can usually handle that side of the baby self pretty well.

So what do we do when confronted with the negative parts of the baby self?

Dr. Wolf recommends disengaging.  Say what you need to say in a few short sentences.  If the baby self starts to crank up, let the baby self whine, cry, and throw a fit without getting emotionally involved.  Go about your regular activities or retreat to another room.

If there is something you want the child to do, tell him what he is to do and wait.  Dr. Wolf says that children eventually will comply because they get uncomfortable with having your presence but not your emotional involvement.  The baby self wants your interaction and involvement however it can get it.  The baby self doesn’t like it when you are not involved.

I have only started implementing this method over the last few days.  I spent quite a bit of time listening to a screaming baby self on that first day…hours.  But since I disengaged and didn’t get emotionally involved in my child’s upset, I was fine.  Everything moved along…eventually.  The next few days were much smoother.  I know I haven’t seen the last of the baby self, but I feel relieved that I don’t have to take it on emotionally.

Here is the silver lining:

Have you noticed that your children act differently when they are away from you?  You may get comments about how well behaved they are from teachers, grandparents, or their friend’s parents.

This is because away from home, they exhibit their mature selves.

The mature self is what we show the world, the responsible, helpful, thoughtful self.

Dr. Wolf says that it is the mature self that is a more accurate indicator of who the child will be as an adult.  As my husband said, “Thank God!”

While the ideas of the baby self and the mature self gave me some insight into my children’s behavior, it also gave me some insight into my own.   I’ll share that with you next week.

Filed under: Life Lessons, Uncategorized on February 28th, 2009 | No Comments »

This week’s topic in www.FiveMinuteLifeLessons.com was about personal hygiene.  As parents we know that it is ultimately up to us to make sure our children are clean and well groomed.  It is up to us to teach them good grooming techniques and try to instill them as habits.

I have to admit that this is an area where I feel I have been too lax.

When my children were little, I brushed their teeth twice a day.  I combed their hair, put their pajamas on them at night, and made sure they were wearing clean clothes every day.  My husband usually took care of bath time, but I know they were clean.

Over time, I passed on more and more of the grooming responsibilities over to them.  They started brushing their own teeth, dressing themselves, and taking showers.  But as they took over their own daily hygiene, I noticed that it all happened with less and less frequency and certainly with less quality.

First one child, then the other started sleeping in their day clothes.  Because we homeschool, there was no real deadline for getting out the door with the hair brushed, teeth brushed, and clothes changed.  So sometimes it happened, and sometimes it didn’t.

I have gone back and forth with opinions about whether it is a big deal or not.  Does it matter that they slept in their clothes last night and are wearing them again today?  We really didn’t go anywhere or do anything yesterday, so they technically aren’t very dirty.  Since they haven’t started having body odor yet, how often do they really need to shower?

But I know the overall objectives are the same as when they were little.  It is still up to me to teach them good grooming techniques and try to instill them as habits.  My role has just changed from worker to supervisor.

It is my job to maintain order, and making sure everyone is ready for the day with clean clothes, clean teeth, and brushed hair is part of that order.

It was easier to be the worker and do it myself!

Filed under: Life Lessons on February 20th, 2009 | No Comments »