Nicole Elyce – Parenting Thoughts

I love going out to eat.  For me it symbolizes relaxation, enjoyment, time to focus on the people you are with, and since I eat foods that I would not normally make at home because they are so decadent or too complex for my non-chef brain… indulgent.

But when I go out to eat, I try to do it without the kids.

It is not that I don’t enjoy my time with them.   Playing board games, going up to the pool, reading, even having family dinner is enjoyable with the kids.  But eating out can be another matter.

I remember a time when the kids were around 3 and 5.  We stopped by a restaurant to have dinner.  It was along the lines of Ruby Tuesday’s or T.G.I. Fridays, but the restaurant is closed down now and the name escapes me.

It was one of the worst “eating out” experiences I have had.  The kids were hungry when we got there so there was whining and complaining about the wait.  Then once we sat down, it was all about keeping them amused until there was something to eat.  Then they ate really quickly and were ready to go while my husband and I were just getting into our meals.  They became fidgety and started disappearing under the table.  I spent the rest of my time trying to get them to sit still and wolf down my meal.  Then, at the end, the restaurant charged us $45 for this lovely experience.

That was when it dawned on me that it wasn’t worth it.  I was not getting the relaxation, enjoyment, or time to talk that eating out is all about for me.  Eating out with the kids was just not the treat that it should be.

Now that they are older, our restaurant experiences are better.  But even now, there is impatience about when the food is going to arrive and then when we are going to be ready to leave.  For them it is still more about the act of eating than the experience of dining.

That is why I am so grateful they are old enough to “babysit” themselves while my husband and I go out to dinner occasionally.  We can linger over our dinner, talk about our aspirations or the state of the world, and leisurely go home.

I think the kids are happy about the arrangement, too.  They get control of the TV and tend to have things they really like for dinner when we go out.  It is a win-win.

There have been a few evenings when my son has suggested that my husband and I go out to dinner.  How can I say no to that?

Filed under: Life Lessons on March 13th, 2009 | No Comments »

Last week we discussed The Secret of Parenting by Anthony E. Wolf, Ph.D.. Dr. Wolf discusses the baby self and the mature self.  The baby self is that part of us that wants what it wants when it wants it, which is NOW!  The mature self is the part of us that we show to the world. It is the responsible, helpful, thoughtful part that others see.

Each of us has a baby self and a mature self, but as we grow-up, the mature self is supposed to take over more of our decisions and behavior.

But I still think it is important to honor the baby self.

The baby self wants to play.  It wants attention, relaxation, and indulgence.  The baby self is part of us and must be satisfied to achieve balance.

I am reminded of Glenn Close’s character in the movie Fatal Attraction as she says, “I will NOT be IGNORED!”

The baby self on so many levels!

I think if we ignore the baby self it starts to come out in different ways.  We build up stress; we unconsciously overindulge; we become depressed.

But it is up to the mature self to make sure the baby self is nurtured and taken care of but not overindulged.

I remember one Mother’s Day I wanted to lie on the couch and watch chick flicks.  My baby self lined up three or four of them.  After church, I came home, lied down on the couch with a box of tissues, and announced that everyone was on their own for the rest of the day.  About seven hours later I emerged from the family room and felt awful.  Overindulgence.  I had a headache, my body felt a little achy, and I was not in a very good mood.

I also experience this baby self overindulgence if I decide to “treat” myself with a junky, fast food meal.  It is one thing to get an order of fries; it is another to get a hamburger, fries, soda, and a dessert.  About an hour after I get this “treat,” I feel awful.  I feel grouchy and sluggish.  But I sure did seem to want it an hour a go.

Our mature selves have to control the portions.

How can we nurture and take care of our baby selves?

• Play with your kids and let your baby self out, too.
• Play and create. – write, draw, play board games, whatever sounds fun to your baby self.
• Make time to get together with friends.
• Make time to be alone.
• Go on a date with your spouse or significant other.
• Relax. Lie on a lawn chair in the back yard, read a great novel, take a bubble bath, rent a movie, do something that would relax you
• Get a great box of chocolate or some other food that you love, but let the mature self do the portion control!

Whatever you choose, do it consciously to nurture the baby self.

Filed under: Life Lessons, Uncategorized on March 6th, 2009 | No Comments »